This post will be longer than usual, but we have a very specific and important agenda here: to answer a burning question from a reader’s comment last week, which may be a question quite a few of you have (especially since America seems to be sinking into polarization, ill manners, and gun violence. Sigh). I also know many of you will have good answers to Carol's questions: you've been there. So readers, here are my thoughts and I hope some of you expats and immigrants will share yours.
Our reader Carol asks: I’m originally from the South and thinking about retiring to France in a few years with my Wyoming husband. We live in Colorado, but the house prices here have more than tripled. And with the violence here, we want to leave. Each year, we visit France, and have grown to love it and the people. We’ve passed the French A1 language exam. Not very good with French, but we’re trying to learn. Any words of encouragement? We’re scared of being left out of life there for lack of knowing much French. We can order at a restaurant fairly well but that’s about it. I’ll be 61 when we retire. We’re both engineers, so math inclined but shy and not very social. Comes with being engineers - as the hubby says - Good with numbers, not so good with people. But we love France. Any thoughts on a fulltime life in France for newbie older shy Americans?
Oui, we have thoughts!
Carol, you are dealing with a question that so many of us face when we retire: Are we up for an adventure? Jump right in, or play it safe? Should we follow our dream?
Your question echoes some of the concerns we had when we up and moved full-time to France (also with minimal language skills). I love that you are thinking this through carefully and I love that you contemplating an adventure that will push you both a bit. There is no question, it’s a bold move. It will pop you right out of your comfortable box and into a new world, full of challenges, rich experiences, an education you couldn’t get any other way, and a fabulous new lifestyle.
So let’s break down your questions. First of all, you have a great head start: you love France, you’re motivated, and you’re obviously committed to learning French. If you continue your language learning (which will get a huge boost when you get there) and find someone in France to help you a bit, you should be fine. We did fine, even though we moved deep into the countryside, where bi-lingual French speakers are not as common as in big cities.
Let me say up front that our experience has been so incredibly wonderful, the best move we ever made, that I will be full of words of encouragement. I'm clearly biased. But I will also say that, after 20 years and meeting a gazillion expats and immigrants, I only know one (British) couple who could not adjust, and turned around and went home.
It may help to ask yourselves these questions: What’s the worst that can happen? Can I bail out if it doesn’t work? When we moved, we decided we would stay as long as we were having fun, that was our only commitment.
It may help ease your mind if you make your move a little bit gradually. Rent a gîte (a French vacation rental) for a month in an area you like, and pretend to be locals, not tourists. Then pick another area and rent for a month, and so on. It’s also a great way to figure out which region is right for you, if that’s an issue.
Then, when you finally make the big move (as we did—we sold our house and furniture, packed the cat, and off we went), we rented a longer-term place instead of buying right away. We ended up buying a house after a year, then spending two years on renovations, so we rented for three years total. Renting also helped us pinpoint the exact place we wanted to buy. And by the time we were ready to start the renovation, we had friends to advise and help us along.
Now let’s talk about being “newbie shy Americans”.
The French are reserved too, especially compared to Americans. So you are going to have to put yourself out there a bit, to get started, but you may find that your reserved personalities mean that you fit in nicely. The French love to be helpful, and they are especially pleased when folks make the effort to learn their language. The French in our small village were incredibly patient and supportive, we were quite touched by it all.
Your commitment to learning the language is going to serve you well, and speaking French will vastly enrich your life there. Living there is the best immersion experience there is, but keep studying. Becoming fluent is a lifelong challenge for most of us.
But how to manage until your French is up to speed? Our answer, is to find an ANGEL. That is, a kind person to take you under their wings. We’ve found that most expats who move here manage to find one or more, usually serendipitously. It might be a friendly local shopkeeper, or a bookstore owner, or a French neighbor who speaks English, or an expat neighbor. We were blessed to find several generous French friends and expats to help us. These folks can help you navigate daily life until you’re settled in, and introduce you to others. Be kind to them, they really are les anges.
One thing that was not on our planning list when we chose an area, but it should have been: Where and how and with whom, can we make friends? We were super lucky: we happened to pick a region where the French are especially friendly and there are expats from all over Europe. Expats, far from home, tend to develop a special bond.
One tip to get started: once you move there—or even on one of those month-long séjours—find a French teacher who has a conversation group or a group French class. With luck you’ll find a sympathetic French person plus some expats/immigrants to befriend.
So let's talk more about meeting people. You can plan ahead for this, in a way.
There are many beautiful rural properties that are what the French call isolée: sitting all alone in the countryside. That’s fine if that’s your thing, but it won’t help your French much, or help you find friends. We chose a house that was in the heart of a village, with neighbors passing by to chat with. We got out on the street, and we got involved. If you go to a bigger town, you may find established expat groups (there is one in Beaune, for example, a mix of French and expats).
Expat communities vary by region. Nearly all European expats speak excellent English. In Burgundy we are close to a number of borders, and the gorgeous countryside attracts other Europeans. Our village of 40, which was essentially 2 blocks long, is a case in point. On our street there were French folks of course, and also: Italians, Dutch, Brits, Belgians, and Germans. It was a wonderful international mix which made for some great dinner parties!
If you want to be around lots of Brits, the west and the southwest are the most populated. Google searches can help you here, as there are maps of where the expats tend to flock, and by which nationality.
Ron's tip for making friends: hang around French weekly markets! The locals will linger over a coffee, it's very much a social event and a way to meet neighbors.
Carol, I hope this has been helpful. In a future post, we’ll go over some of the practicalities of moving—taxes, insurance, and so on. But for now, I’ll turn your question over to our readers. What advice do you have for Carol and her husband?
In the Comments: our guest blogger Natalia responds to your comments: "Lynn, thank you again for giving me the honor of writing a guest post, and now(!) for the opportunity to express my heartfelt appreciation to the kind people who made such wonderful comments. Their words meant so much to me."
Favorite READS: Suzanne loves Cara Black's Aimee Leduc series becuase it’s almost as good as being in Paris. And that says a lot. Su has a book for us, Not So Wild a Dream, with Eric Sevareid writing about his experiences as a young journalist in WWII. And speaking of the expat life, cruise over to Kristi's French Word-A-Day blog to read about filing expat taxes, the easy way.
In this new age of outrage and hate that seems to be seeping into the culture--what better book than one on old-fashioned hospitality and good manners! Everyday Hospitality is a sweet little book with big things to say. It's written by my dear friend Thea Jarvis. I keep a stack on hand for host/hostess gifts. What better way to thank friends for their warm hospitality! The Gift of Grandparenting is another lovely book by Thea.
